Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Terrible Tuesday: DAREDEVIL

Every Tuesday we will be working through one terrible movie, giving our opinion on what makes it terrible, or amazingly terrible.

DAREDEVIL (2003) 
Surprisingly enough, I have never seen this movie. I've heard tales of its terribleness, but I figured it was time to see this train wreck firsthand when my brother brought home a copy from the Wal-Mart bargain bin. I'm going to be honest, I don't know any of the comic book background for Daredevil (Matt Murdock). All I know is that he's a blind superhero and is the reason Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner got together.

(Via)
Young Matt Murdock seems to be the neighborhood dork who gets picked on by a group of bullies. His dad is a washed-up boxer (Jack).

Matt witnesses his dad beating some dude up for money, runs off, and then gets sprayed in the eyes with some acid just chilling in a barrel along an alley. I know this is a superhero movie, but I guess I don't understand why acid (or whatever that was) gives this kid crazy sound-sight ("radar sense"). Is it nuclear waste? That's a thing that sits around alleys in New York, right?

So now all of his senses are heightened, which apparently means he can do backflips and crazy karate. The blind pre-teen Matt practices these flips and handstands on the edges of various rooftops. Because that is the obvious place to practice.

FLASH FORWARD

Grown-up Matt has become a lawyer who fights for innocent victims. If he doesn't win the case in court, he/Daredevil goes and beats up the guilty dude. For his first fight scene he walks into a bar and beats up an entire biker gang. I'm not sure how he ensures that he can see the guys he's beating up. I know he uses sound, but what if they're quiet? Or what if there's loud music (like in the bar fight scene) that drowns out the sounds of men tip-toeing away?

He pursues his target into a subway station, but the sound of the train going buy makes his ears hurt so much that he can no longer even stand, much less kill the guy. So his strength is is weakness? What do his other heightened senses do? Can he smell the body odor of these criminals too?

After taking out the first bad guy, Daredevil retires to his humble abode, only to be greeted by an outrageously long and detailed answering machine message from a former lover telling him how much he sucks. Just as he climbs into his quiet-chamber bathtub, he hears someone being murdered. Bath time ruined.

During his leisurely brunch with his lawyer bestie, he SMELLS a gorgeous woman before she walks into the coffee shop. Again, can he smell the stench of injustice? And how much perfume is she wearing? He talks to her for a bit and then follows her out like a creeper. After some awkward flirting they begin to Matrix-style karate fight each other in a playground for no other reason than they're both hot and can karate. Turns out Elektra has a rich, powerful daddy, and once the fight is over she is whisked away by her unnecessary bodyguard.

Now that we know who her father is, we cut to a deal between Daddy Warbucks and The Kingpin (Michael Clarke Duncan). What's the deal? I have no idea.

The fight made Matt a bit late to meet his newest client, some stoner who seems to have been framed for murder. Matt is on the case.

Another seemingly-random cut to Colin Ferrel (Bullseye) playing the most intense game of darts I've ever seen. He's a pretty sore winner and kills a grumpy bar patron with a paperclip. His next move is to go to the airport, go through a metal detector, and spit a strangely large number of paperclips out. Is he made of paperclips?

Matt and the bumbling bestie go to the apartment of the lady their new client supposedly murdered to gather evidence. They have their first court appearance moments later where Matt plays the blind card pretty hard. Afterwards Elektra creeps up on him as he's meandering down the sidewalk. They check out his favorite rooftop, and it conveniently begins to rain, illuminating Elektra's face with raindrop sounds. Some stupid guy ruins the moment by getting beat up, and Matt rushes off mid-kiss. He beats up the bad guy, who informs him that Hell's Kitchen (a crappy section of New York) now belongs to the Kingpin.

The next morning Matt goes to his office where his gorgeous secretary (Ellen Pompeo) hints that she wants to be his date to the Black and White Ball. This guy is swimming in gorgeous women! Instead he takes his obnoxious lawyer bestie. There's some shady news reporter, who looks like a former gang member, who has been in nearly every scene. They're trying to hint that he's the one setting up their client..? They also get to meet the Kingpin. And Elektra shows up! She is just boobs-out ready for this fancy party. Ow! Matt sniffs his way over to her... and then seductively sniffs her back. They start to dance and whisper awkward sweet nothings in each other's ears.

Cut to some bald biker getting stabbed in the forehead.

Cut back to the Kingpin and Daddy Warbucks talking about how hot Elektra is. Kingpin gives Daddy-o a rose (just like the rose left on Matt's dad's dead body). Elektra thinks something is up and cries "Papa! Papa!" after him. Are they from Russia? The zoom away in their limo, chased by Bullseye. This movie has got some sweet tunes. This is from the chase scene.

Bullseye and Daredevil meet up. Bullseye throws a throwing star, Daredevil dodges. Bullseye says, and I quote, "I missed! I never miss!" Who is he telling? He manages to get Daredevils cane thing and hurls in at Daddy Warbuck's heart, killing him. Elektra sees the pointy stick with the Daredevil logo and shoots after him. I guess she missed the big fight Bullseye and Daredevil just had?

The cops and the shady reporter show up. Daredevil runs off and trashes his apartment in a rage of despair. Kingpin and Bullseye have a chat about how to kill Daredevil, how they need to kill Elektra, and how Bullseye is jealous of Daredevil's outfit and wants one of his own.

Matt doesn't show up for court the next day and bestie tanks it. Shady reporter shows up to Daddy Warbuck's funeral to tell Matt that his client is indeed being framed and the cop who testified against him is being bribed. Matt (not dressed as Daredevil) finds the cop and his brand new car, which he crashes into stuff until the cop confesses. Kingpin is behind the whole thing, of course.

Bestie and the secretary are burning the midnight oil. Bestie figures out one of the clues left at dead lady's place. I understand that they want to solve this case, but why is this lady so important?

Side note: the songs they've selected for this soundtrack are super 2003 dated. Yeesh.

Elektra does a little knife workout and then finds Daredevil playing in some laundry on a rooftop. He tries to explain, but she ain't havin' none of it. She stabs him through the shoulder and then rips off his mask - revealing Matt! She instantly bursts into tearful remorse. Bullseye seems to know they're having a moment and begins grunting from a few rooftops away. Elektra now knows who she really has to kill!

Side note: does twirling around your knives before you stab someone make you a better knife fighter?

Elektra and Bullseye battle it out, but she gets pretty beat up. Bullseye stabs her through the gut just as an NYPD chopper finds their rooftop. Was the NYPD looking for any of these people? Daredevil, I guess. Daredevil and Elektra crawl over to each other (I thought they were on different rooftops) where Elektra dies in his arms. The cops bust in, but Daredevil manages to fall into a church and hide. Crazy Bullseye finds him nearly immediately (does he have super smelling too?) and throws an offering plate into Daredevil's windpipe. And so begins the "throwing holy objects around the room" portion. They climb up onto the most giant organ I've ever seen (horribly CGI-ed) and beat all the pipes around so DD's ears ring. Bullseye seems to have figured out that sound is messing DD up, but not before breaking a stained glass window into throwing stars. Bullseye reveals that Michael Clarke Duncan is Kingpin and that his signiature is red roses. DD has the he killed my poppy revelation. And then the cops shoot Bullseye through the hands Jesus-stigmata style and DD throws him out a window onto a cop car - dead. "Bulleye!" he cleverly mutters.

DD rushes off to Kingpin's headquarters. Kingpin knows he's coming and DISMISSES all of his guards. "I was raised in the Bronx. This is something you wouldn't understand." Uh, ain't nobody understands that. Now you gonna die. Kingpin dismisses is second in command, who promptly goes to a bar and confesses everything Kingpin has done. For no real reason other than the cop offers a plea deal. For what? They have no evidence!

DD and Kingpin fight in a room that has weird streams of water in the floor and walls. Nice touch. Kingpin rips off DD's mask and starts revealing his motives - money. DD busts open one of these weird water panels, which seems to cause a chain reaction that makes the whole room rain like a monsoon for 30 seconds. Then he defeats Kingpin by KICKING HIM IN THE BALLS? He might have also stabbed him, but I think I missed it. DD has mercy and spares his life, stating that he can HEAR THE POLICE SCANNERS stating they know who Kingpin is. DD walks away, content that justice will be done.

Matt and bestie get their client out of jail and then go and have some more coffee. They argue about alligators in the sewers (for like the Third time this movie!) and ay with attempt to have a heart to heart about Elektra being dead. Matt goes outside for some air and ends up walking to the church. Shady reporter happens to find him (this is a city filled with MILLIONS of people!) and let him know that he knows Matt is Daredevil. Matt asks him not to print the story, but shady thinks it's his duty as a reporter.

Bullseye is still alive and kills a fly with a seringe.

Matt finds Elektra's necklace, which has Braille on it.

Shady writes the ENTIRE story about who Daredevil is and then deletes it line by line.

Daredevil goes off to fight some bad guys.

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