Thursday, October 13, 2011

Once Upon A Dream

Dear Sleeping Beauty / Aurora / Briar Rose,

I have watched your movie approximately one million times. I know the words to all of your songs, and I can quote pretty much everything you and your friends say. I even know all THREE of your names. (What kind of a person needs three names?!)As a faithful fan, I would like you to know one thing: you are completely to blame for your problems.

At this point you may be thinking "But I was cursed as a baby by the evil Maleficent!" You are correct - this was your parents' fault. All they had to do was invite the terrifying devil woman to a party! I'm not sure if you've hosted many parties, but from the ones I've thrown I've learned that you only have two options when dealing with unwelcome guests:

1. Invite them to come anyway. Most likely she would have politely declined the invitation (evil villains don't usually enjoy baby parties).

2. Make damn sure they don't find out about it. I'm not sure if your parents' plan to keep this party thing a secret was very well thought out. Seems to me that they invited the entire kingdom to attend. You know what they always say - "Two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead." Maybe a small family affair would have sufficed.

Now let's get to the stuff you're to blame for.

After hiding deep in the woods for 16 years, never seeing anyone besides those looney fairies, I understand that you might want to expand your social circle a little. But did you seriously have to jump on the first man you saw??! That's a little slutty. All he did was sing along with your song and BOOM you're in love. That's pathetic. Keep in in your pants.

I'm not sure if you remember the real first time you and Prince Phillip met, but he took one look at your ugly baby-self and stuck his tongue out. But now that you look like a supermodel he's allll over you. Girl, take a hint!

Then you invited this boy back to your place. After your aunties/fairies told you not to speak to strangers, much less invite them over! Did you ever ask them why you weren't allowed to have friends? Well you should have. If you hadn't invited him over, he wouldn't have been kidnapped by Maleficent, you would have met up with him at the castle, partied your buns off, and lived happily ever after!

This letter may seem a little harsh, but I'm hoping that you can learn from your mistakes and stop fooling little girls into believing that strange men they meet in the woods are wonderful, singing princes. That's just a recipe for disaster.

I know you
I walked with you once upon a dream.
I know you
The gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam
Yes, I know it's true
that visions are seldom all they seem...
But if I know you, I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once
the way you did once upon a dream