Terrible Tuesday: Elektra

Alright, I just got back to Houston after being offshore for two weeks and then going to Destin for a few days. I haven't had the chance to watch a single movie yet, so here's the conclusion of the Daredevil / Elektra marathon I had a few weeks ago.

Elektra (2005)

Much like Daredevil, I have not seen Elektra, nor do I know what it is about. I'm assuming it's a sequel to Daredevil, but Elektra supposedly died. I'm assuming that this is not the case.

The movie starts off with a prophesy about Elektra, stating that she will tip the scales in the epic battle between good and evil. They also mention that people who use the good side of the force are able to bring back the dead.

Cut to two evil dudes talking about what a badass Elektra is and how she's trying to kill one of them. The henchman thinks she's just an urban legend who died years ago. Oh how wrong he is. So I guess the former rich girl who dabbled in knife skills and karate flips is now an assassin who can teleport around, whisper in someone's ear, teleport back, and hurl a knife at their back. Uh... why not skip the whisper and just stab?

Elektra starts scrubbing down the floor (DNA!) and her "agent" walks in. Apparently she's a hitman. He asks why she had to kill all of the henchmen instead of just the target. I guess she just likes killing.

Flashback to her dying and being brought back to life by some old Asian man (Stick). Her eyes flash green! Do they ever explain this? It was hinted at a bit in the first movie. Stick teachers her some more karate moves and kicks her out with no place to go.

Back to present. A new client is requesting Elektra's services. She goes for an intense swim (filled with lots of boob and butt swimming shots) which triggers a flashback to her dad forcing little Elektra to tread water until she was exhausted.

Some teenage girl is walking through her lakeside home, trying to steal her necklace. Who is she and why? No idea. Elektra lets her go.

Flashback nightmare to Elektra's mom murdered on the ground, the same necklace around her neck covered in blood. The shadow of some devil goat man (Drag Me to Hell) runs away from the scene. Elektra wakes up and 2:30 in the morning and, of course, starts an intense, brooding workout. She goes out to stare at the lake where a guy walks up (Mark Miller) looking for his daughter Abby - the chick who broke into her house.

Abby comes over to complain to Elektra for being uncool and telling her dad she broke in. It turns out it's Christmas day and Abby invites her over for dinner. I guess they're living someplace tropical? Looks like Abby is trying to fix her dad up with Elektra or something? Abby talks about all the schools she's been expelled from in - glances to her dad trying to remember what she's supposed to say - Baltimore. After dinner, Mark TUCKS HIS 13 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER into bed while Elektra looks on from the porch. Mark reveals that a drunk driver killed Abby's mom back in "Baltimore."

The next morning Elektra gets a delivery of her target's pictures - Mark and Abby! She stays cool as a cucumber, whips out her massive bow and arrow (when did she learn this skill??) and... feels bad and can't kill them. She calls her agent back saying that she can't kill them because she doesn't have enough background info. Then she leaves the island, throwing the keys to her house into some bushes dramatically. She heads to the ferry to get off the island but sees a vision of the future where Abby is screaming (because people using the good side of the force can also do this) and then sees a horde of hitmen boarding, presumably to go kill Mark and Abby. I guess Elektra feels the urge to go save them pretty much for no reason. The dinner couldn't have been that great. Elektra does some pretty fancy jump up and stab moves to kill an assassin on the porch roof. She starts to have a chat with Mark about who he is, but more assassins come busting in. She kills a couple and they turn into some weird green smoke and float off. Then they leave.

Cut to a boardroom filled with Asian men - the Council of the Hand. The start talking about some treasure the assassins failed to get and how Elektra stopped them. These guys seem to represent the light side and the dark side of the force. Kirigi volunteers to handle the treasure.

Elektra heads to a pool hall where a blind old man is playing. He recognizes her walk and smell. It's Stick! Does she have a thing for blind men? She asks him to look over the Millers and then shows her that he's still way better at being a badass then she is. She tells the Millers to run off to Africa and hide. Abby whines. One Asian bad guy, Tattoo, seems to be able to see through and control tattoos and graffitti. A grafitti crow chases the trio until Elektra shoves the Millers into a car and drives away. Abby asks about Elektra's murderous past, stating her profession is "messed up."

They meet up with her agent and he tries to get her to just kill these people and be done with it. She asks for plane tickets to get them out of Dodge. Elektra keeps having weirdo flashbacks. Abby changes her appearance - by doing her hair just like Elektra. Apparently she had the same shade of hair dye on hand. She tries to teach Abby how to see the future like she does. Abby is the most annoying, loud meditator ever, making faces and getting strangely close to Elektra's face. It's a bonding moment and they giggle it out.

We still don't know why these people are being hunted or why the mom was killed. Mark and Elektra talk about.. nothing.. and then start kissing. Elektra takes a nap and a weird hawk (which has been following them for days) stares at her. Turns out Tattoo can also control REAL birds, not just painted ones. Really? Ok. The agent stays behind to hold back the other assassins who've just showed up - one of which has bulletproof pecks which deflect a shotgun blast. Obviously, the agent is killed.

Asian Poison Ivy (Typhoid), Tattoo, and Sir Pecksalot catch up with Elektra in the woods. Abby is an idiot and reveals her and Mark's hiding spot by calling out "Elektra!" for no reason. Tattoo's lightbeam wolf tattoo attacks Mark and Abby as they flee, along with some scrawny black dude who doesn't seem to have any weird powers. Mark and Abby fight back ninja-style, revealing that they have karate skills, too! Typhoid sneaks up on Elektra, giving her the kiss of death. Turns out that Abby is the treasure! Sheesh, what a crappy treasure. Stick's ninja squad swoops in and takes Abby to safety and then lets Elektra know she's going to be ok. Huh?

Elektra wakes up in Stick's training facility and watches Abby train. Turns out she was a prodigy from age 4 and now the Hand wants to use her to do his bidding. Mark took her away to keep her out of their clutches. Elektra lets Abby try out her fancy knives and they have a heart to heart about how they had to lie and protect their identities. Abby is a brat, starts to walk off, then sneak attacks Elektra to prove she's good. Which she isn't. And then she cries. Like a bitch. And whines some more that she just wants to be a kid. Boohoo, I have magical karate powers, poor me.

Elektra sneaks off in the middle of the night and mind-summons Kirigi to "meet where it all began" and have an epic battle to see who gets to keep Abby. Elektra breaks in to an abandoned mansion, one she already has the key to. It's her old house where her mom was murdered! She busts out the sexy red suit and lights a few candles to prepare for the final battle. For some unknown reason all of the furniture covers start flying around the room, shielding Kirigi - her mother's murderer - from sight. This man has aged really well! Stupid Abby shows up again. Kirigi uses some kind of sound wave explosion to blow Elektra onto the ground. Abby and her magical gold rope start fighting Kirigi. Elektra hoists Abby out of the room. Kirigi summons Tattoo and his hundreds of snake tattoos to help with the kill. The girls run into the bush maze from Harry Potter, but Abby gets trapped by the sea of snakes. Elektra just WALKS UP to Tattoo while he's projecting all these snakes out and snaps his neck. Unfortunately, Typhoid finds Abby and lets her know that she used to be the treasure and is now jealous. Kirigi and Elektra battle it out again, this time jumping back and forth through a well. Elektra has some more weird flashbacks of her life and Abby and how they're super similar. Then she stabs and kills Kirigi.

Now it's time to go after Typhoid. Elektra hurls one of her knives through a dozen maze walls - it doesn't slow down or change direction - right into Typhoid's head. Ok, if these people are so easy to kill, why didn't she just get it done an hour ago?? All you have to do is throw a knife! Abby has been infected with Typhoid's disease whatever. Elektra channels the good side of the force and brings her back to life.

Mark - where has he been?? - says farewell to Elektra with a sexy kiss, saying he'll take care of Abby. Elektra asks what Abby is going to do next - go to the beach and get a tan? Or get some icecream? Because that's all a teen girl could ever want. They get all sappy and Elektra says "WE'LL FIND EACH OTHER" and leaves. She runs into Stick on the way out.

Elektra: "Your second life is never really like your first, is it?"
Stick: "Sometimes it's even better."

THE END

So Daredevil ended with him remembering that Elektra said she'd find him. But she never finds him? This movie has no mention of anything that happened in the previous movie. And this tiny quote exchange is how they explain it??

I don't even... HUH??

Terrible Tuesday: DAREDEVIL

Every Tuesday we will be working through one terrible movie, giving our opinion on what makes it terrible, or amazingly terrible.

DAREDEVIL (2003) 
Surprisingly enough, I have never seen this movie. I've heard tales of its terribleness, but I figured it was time to see this train wreck firsthand when my brother brought home a copy from the Wal-Mart bargain bin. I'm going to be honest, I don't know any of the comic book background for Daredevil (Matt Murdock). All I know is that he's a blind superhero and is the reason Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner got together.

(Via)

Young Matt Murdock seems to be the neighborhood dork who gets picked on by a group of bullies. His dad is a washed-up boxer (Jack).

Matt witnesses his dad beating some dude up for money, runs off, and then gets sprayed in the eyes with some acid just chilling in a barrel along an alley. I know this is a superhero movie, but I guess I don't understand why acid (or whatever that was) gives this kid crazy sound-sight ("radar sense"). Is it nuclear waste? That's a thing that sits around alleys in New York, right?

So now all of his senses are heightened, which apparently means he can do backflips and crazy karate. The blind pre-teen Matt practices these flips and handstands on the edges of various rooftops. Because that is the obvious place to practice.

FLASH FORWARD

Grown-up Matt has become a lawyer who fights for innocent victims. If he doesn't win the case in court, he/Daredevil goes and beats up the guilty dude. For his first fight scene he walks into a bar and beats up an entire biker gang. I'm not sure how he ensures that he can see the guys he's beating up. I know he uses sound, but what if they're quiet? Or what if there's loud music (like in the bar fight scene) that drowns out the sounds of men tip-toeing away?

He pursues his target into a subway station, but the sound of the train going buy makes his ears hurt so much that he can no longer even stand, much less kill the guy. So his strength is is weakness? What do his other heightened senses do? Can he smell the body odor of these criminals too?

After taking out the first bad guy, Daredevil retires to his humble abode, only to be greeted by an outrageously long and detailed answering machine message from a former lover telling him how much he sucks. Just as he climbs into his quiet-chamber bathtub, he hears someone being murdered. Bath time ruined.

During his leisurely brunch with his lawyer bestie, he SMELLS a gorgeous woman before she walks into the coffee shop. Again, can he smell the stench of injustice? And how much perfume is she wearing? He talks to her for a bit and then follows her out like a creeper. After some awkward flirting they begin to Matrix-style karate fight each other in a playground for no other reason than they're both hot and can karate. Turns out Elektra has a rich, powerful daddy, and once the fight is over she is whisked away by her unnecessary bodyguard.

Now that we know who her father is, we cut to a deal between Daddy Warbucks and The Kingpin (Michael Clarke Duncan). What's the deal? I have no idea.

The fight made Matt a bit late to meet his newest client, some stoner who seems to have been framed for murder. Matt is on the case.

Another seemingly-random cut to Colin Ferrel (Bullseye) playing the most intense game of darts I've ever seen. He's a pretty sore winner and kills a grumpy bar patron with a paperclip. His next move is to go to the airport, go through a metal detector, and spit a strangely large number of paperclips out. Is he made of paperclips?

Matt and the bumbling bestie go to the apartment of the lady their new client supposedly murdered to gather evidence. They have their first court appearance moments later where Matt plays the blind card pretty hard. Afterwards Elektra creeps up on him as he's meandering down the sidewalk. They check out his favorite rooftop, and it conveniently begins to rain, illuminating Elektra's face with raindrop sounds. Some stupid guy ruins the moment by getting beat up, and Matt rushes off mid-kiss. He beats up the bad guy, who informs him that Hell's Kitchen (a crappy section of New York) now belongs to the Kingpin.

The next morning Matt goes to his office where his gorgeous secretary (Ellen Pompeo) hints that she wants to be his date to the Black and White Ball. This guy is swimming in gorgeous women! Instead he takes his obnoxious lawyer bestie. There's some shady news reporter, who looks like a former gang member, who has been in nearly every scene. They're trying to hint that he's the one setting up their client..? They also get to meet the Kingpin. And Elektra shows up! She is just boobs-out ready for this fancy party. Ow! Matt sniffs his way over to her... and then seductively sniffs her back. They start to dance and whisper awkward sweet nothings in each other's ears.

Cut to some bald biker getting stabbed in the forehead.

Cut back to the Kingpin and Daddy Warbucks talking about how hot Elektra is. Kingpin gives Daddy-o a rose (just like the rose left on Matt's dad's dead body). Elektra thinks something is up and cries "Papa! Papa!" after him. Are they from Russia? The zoom away in their limo, chased by Bullseye. This movie has got some sweet tunes. This is from the chase scene.

Bullseye and Daredevil meet up. Bullseye throws a throwing star, Daredevil dodges. Bullseye says, and I quote, "I missed! I never miss!" Who is he telling? He manages to get Daredevils cane thing and hurls in at Daddy Warbuck's heart, killing him. Elektra sees the pointy stick with the Daredevil logo and shoots after him. I guess she missed the big fight Bullseye and Daredevil just had?

The cops and the shady reporter show up. Daredevil runs off and trashes his apartment in a rage of despair. Kingpin and Bullseye have a chat about how to kill Daredevil, how they need to kill Elektra, and how Bullseye is jealous of Daredevil's outfit and wants one of his own.

Matt doesn't show up for court the next day and bestie tanks it. Shady reporter shows up to Daddy Warbuck's funeral to tell Matt that his client is indeed being framed and the cop who testified against him is being bribed. Matt (not dressed as Daredevil) finds the cop and his brand new car, which he crashes into stuff until the cop confesses. Kingpin is behind the whole thing, of course.

Bestie and the secretary are burning the midnight oil. Bestie figures out one of the clues left at dead lady's place. I understand that they want to solve this case, but why is this lady so important?

Side note: the songs they've selected for this soundtrack are super 2003 dated. Yeesh.

Elektra does a little knife workout and then finds Daredevil playing in some laundry on a rooftop. He tries to explain, but she ain't havin' none of it. She stabs him through the shoulder and then rips off his mask - revealing Matt! She instantly bursts into tearful remorse. Bullseye seems to know they're having a moment and begins grunting from a few rooftops away. Elektra now knows who she really has to kill!

Side note: does twirling around your knives before you stab someone make you a better knife fighter?

Elektra and Bullseye battle it out, but she gets pretty beat up. Bullseye stabs her through the gut just as an NYPD chopper finds their rooftop. Was the NYPD looking for any of these people? Daredevil, I guess. Daredevil and Elektra crawl over to each other (I thought they were on different rooftops) where Elektra dies in his arms. The cops bust in, but Daredevil manages to fall into a church and hide. Crazy Bullseye finds him nearly immediately (does he have super smelling too?) and throws an offering plate into Daredevil's windpipe. And so begins the "throwing holy objects around the room" portion. They climb up onto the most giant organ I've ever seen (horribly CGI-ed) and beat all the pipes around so DD's ears ring. Bullseye seems to have figured out that sound is messing DD up, but not before breaking a stained glass window into throwing stars. Bullseye reveals that Michael Clarke Duncan is Kingpin and that his signiature is red roses. DD has the he killed my poppy revelation. And then the cops shoot Bullseye through the hands Jesus-stigmata style and DD throws him out a window onto a cop car - dead. "Bulleye!" he cleverly mutters.

DD rushes off to Kingpin's headquarters. Kingpin knows he's coming and DISMISSES all of his guards. "I was raised in the Bronx. This is something you wouldn't understand." Uh, ain't nobody understands that. Now you gonna die. Kingpin dismisses is second in command, who promptly goes to a bar and confesses everything Kingpin has done. For no real reason other than the cop offers a plea deal. For what? They have no evidence!

DD and Kingpin fight in a room that has weird streams of water in the floor and walls. Nice touch. Kingpin rips off DD's mask and starts revealing his motives - money. DD busts open one of these weird water panels, which seems to cause a chain reaction that makes the whole room rain like a monsoon for 30 seconds. Then he defeats Kingpin by KICKING HIM IN THE BALLS? He might have also stabbed him, but I think I missed it. DD has mercy and spares his life, stating that he can HEAR THE POLICE SCANNERS stating they know who Kingpin is. DD walks away, content that justice will be done.

Matt and bestie get their client out of jail and then go and have some more coffee. They argue about alligators in the sewers (for like the Third time this movie!) and ay with attempt to have a heart to heart about Elektra being dead. Matt goes outside for some air and ends up walking to the church. Shady reporter happens to find him (this is a city filled with MILLIONS of people!) and let him know that he knows Matt is Daredevil. Matt asks him not to print the story, but shady thinks it's his duty as a reporter.

Bullseye is still alive and kills a fly with a seringe.

Matt finds Elektra's necklace, which has Braille on it.

Shady writes the ENTIRE story about who Daredevil is and then deletes it line by line.

Daredevil goes off to fight some bad guys.

Terrifying Tuesday: Animals

Right after I started working in Houston a couple coworkers and I started Terrifying Tuesday - a night dedicated to horrible yet horrifying movies that we were too scared to watch alone. Now that we've been working for a while we've all gotten a little busy for mid-week movie parties. Stupid work interfering with my social life! But now I'm reviving Terrifying Tuesday for you guys! I'm hoping this will be something like How Did This Get Made, a freaking hilarious podcast that talks about a horrible movie each week, spoilers and all. I hate spoilers as much as the next girl, but somehow spoiling bad movies doesn't bother me at all. If you are an uber spoiler-phob, most of these movies will be available on Netflix instant and you can give them a look-see before reading on. I'm going to be blogging as I watch, but I'll put a little warning in if I have any big plot spoilers.

Animals (2008)

I have never heard of this movie, and I'm not sure how it ended up in my Netflix queue. Sometimes the movie fairies just know when a movie must be seen. Here's the provided synopsis - 

After sleeping with Nora, a sexy stranger passing through town, Syd undergoes a supernatural transformation that plunges him into a frightening new reality and sparks conflict with Nora's angry ex-lover, who behaves more like an animal than a man. 

Average rating: *****
Best guess for me: *****

Now if that doesn't tickle your fancy I don't know what will. It's got a love triangle, some sexy strangers, and what seems to be a sexually transmitted vampire/werewolf disease. And just look at this poster for a minute.

"The deadliest predator is already inside you." Based on what we've been told about this supernatural STD, I don't know if this tagline's pun was horribly accidental or perfectly planned. Either way, I am entertained. Obviously we don't know who is who on this cover yet, but there seems to be a lot of sexy business going on. Is the redhead wearing a wedding ring? Does the woman in black remind anyone else of Beyonce? Are these vampires or werewolves? So much intrigue already! Time to pop some corn and settle in for - ANIMALS.

Pop over to Confetti & Meatballs for the rest of the review!

Buzz Lightyear to the Rescue!!

Have you guys watched The Americans? I've been DVR-ing it, but today I finally watched a few episodes. This show is cray! It's about Russian spies living in America in the '80s and all the wild spy stuff they do. Apparently the took a page from the James Bond spy book, because the only form of interrogation they use is to have hot hot sex with their target... So I guess everyone wins? 

I did some Woody nails a couple days ago, and I've been pondering how I'd get Buzz Lightyear to the party. I thought about just free-handing everything, but I have a feeling that it'd end up a smudgy mess. Instead I put a bunch of green, purple, and red polish on a plastic sheet, let it dry over night, and then cut out into Buzz shapes. This was still SUPER difficult because they're little tiny pieces of very flimsy polish. But I think it worked pretty great! I ended up painting on the buttons, mostly because I can't cut tiny circles to save my life. I don't know if I'd recommend this method, but I did have a lot of fun doing it!

Christmas Movie Marathon: ALL THE MOVIES

I'm not sure how other people do Christmas Eve and Christmas day, but I spend nearly every waking hour watching some amazing (and some terrible) movies! I didn't get to all of the movies I wanted to, but I really did watch ALL of these within 48 hours. Here's a short blurb about each, just in case you haven't seen it yet!

Christmas Eve

Christmas with the Kranks

I turned this one on thinking "oh yeah, this is a funny movie! Who doesn't love Tim Allen?!" I ALWAYS forget how much this movie frustrates me beyond belief. What kind of town goes this bonkers about Christmas?? Wherever it is, I want to move there. But never cross them.

A Chipmunk Christmas

I can't even remember the last time I saw this movie. I had to have been in elementary school. I do have the album though! It's probably one of my favorites. 1981 - Man, this is when the Chipmunks were awesome. Not the horrible computer-generated nonsense they're making now. Hmm, there's some songs in the movie that aren't on the album! I've been missing out!

Four Christmases

This movie was just on tv and I decided to watch it. I don't think I've seen it before... Ah it looks like Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn are an adorable couple that goes out of their way to avoid their crazy parents during the holidays but are still forced to see them all one fateful Christmas. Twas quite funny and adorable.

White Christmas

If you're looking for a movie with the greatest Christmas songs of all time, look no further! This is nonstop tunes, so don't watch if you're not a fan of some of the greatest musical numbers you'll ever see in your life.

The Mistle-Tones
I recorded this a couple weeks ago from ABC Family not knowing what it was. The first 5 minutes almost forced me to chop my ears off. It gets better. Is there one woman in every Christmas movie named Holly? Seems so. This one is played by Tia Mowry (Sista Sistaaa!). Carl Winslow and a bunch of screaming children are also involved. This movie is good if you're ok with super awkward scenes where people just start singing in another person's face for no reason. The gorgeous boss totally makes this movie worth watching though. And "The Chest-Notes." Oh dear god.

Christmas With Holly
And so began the onslaught of Christmas movies with a girl named Holly. There's gonna be at least one more, so prepare yourself. This one is about a little girl who loses her mom and then stops speaking, her adorable uncle, and a woman that was just left at the alter. Cute uncle moves back home to "the island" to live with his two ridiculous brothers. You'll love them. Three men and a baby!

The Family Stone

I first saw this movie in high school with the lovely Miss Tully. At the time, we both thought it was the weirdest, worst movie we'd ever seen (right after Rumor Has It...), but somehow we've both started liking it. What's that about? I don't know.. I guess sometimes you just have to give movies a second chance. This one is about a douchebag guy bringing home his super uptight girlfriend and a tidal wave of ridiculous things that happen during the visit. Rewatching it made me remember why I hated it. The family is so mean! They hate this girl from the very beginning!! Poor thing. She also says the worst things and makes everything PAINFULLY awkward. Merry Christmas?

A Christmas Story

I never really saw this movie until I was in high school. How did I miss out? Well my parents failed me, that's how. But I made up for missing out one year by actually watching the entire 24 hour marathon they have on TBS. "Ralphie, you'll shoot your eye out!!"

Christmas Day

The Santa Clause

In my opinion, this is the greatest Tim Allen movie of all time. All of the sequels are horrible and ridiculous (but in a good way!) but that doesn't ruin this movie for me one bit. I feel kinda bad for Scott Calvin! How would you like to just be old, fat, and Santa-looking overnight?!
"We're your worst nightmare. Elves. With. Attitude."

Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer
Did you know that Rudolph was made up by Macy's so that they could sell more stuff? And then they made a song/movie! Talk about the best marketing campaign ever.
"Why am I such a misfit? I am not just a nitwit..."

Elf
"Byeeee, Buddy, hope you find your dad!"
"Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?"
"The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear!"

It's A Wonderful Life
This is my favorite Christmas movie of all time. Other than Die Hard, which I list as my favorite movie just ever. If you have a heart, keep your tissues handy. You'll be bawling with joy by the end for sure. This movie is about a man whose life hasn't worked out the way he thought it would, and one fateful night the shit hits the fan and he has to be reminded how wonderful his life really is.
"Buffalo gal, won't you come out tonight? Won't you come out tonight? And dance by the light of the mooooon."

*Halfway through this movie my power went out a bunch of times. Bah! Humbug!*

Die Hard
Who HASN'T seen this movie? I hope the answer is no one, but I have met a few people who've been missing out. Get your shit together and watch this. If you like Bruce Willis, Alan Rickman, Carl Winslow, lots of amazing action scenes, and mother f-ing Christmas, then this is definitely for you. It's the perfect way to dry up those Wonderful Life tears. Also, another Holly!! Officer McClane's wife is named Holly.

*Power out again!!*

Die Hard 2: Die Harder
What's better than Die Hard? Two Die Hards! I go back and forth about whether this one or the first one is my favorite. I still can't decide. This one is the same amount of amazing PLUS planes!

Doctor Who: The Snowmen

Christmas special!! London gets destroyed every year. I love all of the new ways of destruction they come up with. Snowmen!! Is this London? I can't tell... The episodes where the Doctor is lonely make me so sad. Poor Doctor. I also hate episodes where companions throw themselves at the Doctor romantically. Step off!!

Home Alone
This is me this year! My family all went to Illinois and I stayed behind to fight the tornadoes and power outages. Not as exciting as robbers, but I've kept myself entertained.

Home Alone 2: Lost In New York
This is the only other Home Alone movie that I acknowledge existing. All others are phonies. Did you guys know that they made the Talkman just for this movie??? Another huge marketing campaign that exploded beyond belief. I wanted one of these sooooo bad, but my parents bought me some other stupid cassette player/recorder instead. I worked with what I had, but it wasn't nearly as cool.

Jingle All The Way
"Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blizten!" This movie definitely solidified my memorization of the reindeer names. It also created an everlasting bond with me and Arnold. This move came out when I was 8, so I hadn't seen many Ahnold movies yet. After this I wanted to see them all! Did you know that the little kid went on to become freaking Anakin Skywalker?? Poor kid's life was ruined. If only people would remember him for his Jingle days!

Ones I didn't get to but will be watching in the next week:

Meet Me in St. Louis


Frosty the Snowman

Frosty Returns

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

Christmas Movie Marathon: Joyeux Noel

Remember when I promised a classier Christmas movie (AKA one that wasn't from Lifetime or ABC Family)? Well here we go! Joyeux Noel (Merry Christmas)! I wasn't sure what exactly this was about, other than it's about WWI and Christmas, but it was rated really highly for me on Netflix, which makes sense because I have a thing for both Christmas movies and war movies.  

I started out this post like the other Christmas movies I've done so far, but this movie is way too serious and requires undivided attention. It starts off a little slow, but I promise it gets way better. The movie starts at the beginning of World War I (1914) and quickly shows you how everything moved from an excited declaration of war, promising that it'll all be over before Christmas, into a long, disheartening battle. The German, French, and Scottish troops have dug their foxholes on the outskirts of a small French farming area, which is close to home for a few of the French troops. It's really interesting to see WWI from three different perspectives all in one place. And none of them seem particularly biased. There are characters you love and hate on all sides.

On Christmas Eve all of the soldiers are hunkered down in their freezing trenches trying to keep their spirits up. You can hear a little bit of celebration coming from the Scottish side (bagpipes, of course!) and then some German singers belt out a tune for their men. Eventually you're going to start bawling when they call a cease fire for the night and all of the troops come out into no-man's land (the area in the middle filled with dead bodies and craters from grenades) and exchange gifts, traditions, stories from home, and even argue about the name of a stray cat that has been making his way to each of the foxholes. Of course, you can't forget years worth of war in one night, but it's amazing to see how everyone still has a little something in common even after you've been told to hate and kill each other for so long.

The rest of the movie goes on to show how everyone deals with the next few days, their new friendships, honoring those they've lost, having to go back to fighting, and some of the propaganda used to vilify the opposition. This movie really makes you think about how close everything in Europe really is. These countries are not very large and they're closer to each other than most people in different states are here. Many people had family on both sides of this war, and I think this movie did an amazing job of subtly bringing all of these facts to light.


Recommendation Time!
HO HO HO or NO NO NO?

HO HO HO!!

This will probably become one of my new favorite Christmas movies. I highly recommend checking this out on Netflix or Amazon. Keep some tissues handy.

Disney Drinking Games: The Sword in the Stone

A few months ago my friend Curtis and I discovered that we both really love Disney's The Sword in the Stone. I have a habit of of quoting Archimedes ("Eh? Who? What what??") and Madam Mim ("I haaaaaate shunshine! Horrible, wholesome shunshine!!") a little too frequently. As a slightly late birthday celebration we mixed up some tasty drinks (of the alcoholic variety), dusted off my VCR, and popped in my VHS copy of The Sword in the Stone!

Here's the rules we used, but feel free to make up your own!

Drink when:

• Anyone calls Arthur by the name "Wart"
• Merlin casts a spell / says spell words
• Anyone says a question word (who, what, where, when). Kind of a weird one, but It makes you realize how many questions people ask!

Chug when:

• Merlin sings a magic song. This basically just covers all of the spell words he says while singing.

Christmas Movie Marathon: Love At The Christmas Table

Update: I meant to save this post for a couple days, but I seriously cannot wait to talk about how much I loved this movie. As soon as I finished watching it, I texted a TON of people telling them to watch it immediately. Everyone has agreed - This may be the cutest movie in the history of the world. Here's the website with upcoming air dates!!

I've got another Lifetime movie for you today! This one looks a little more promising than the last one. Is there a single Lifetime movie that doesn't involve people falling in love? Not that I'm complaining, I'd just like to spice up my life a bit. I wish I had the Hallmark channel... Anyways, set your DVR to record Love At The Christmas Table, whip out the popcorn, and get ready to (hopefully) laugh your bum off!

1. The main character is a man (Sam)!! Something new! And a house where it's always Christmas? Lovin' it.
Notable Quote:
"Those pants do not mount the most passionate defense of your rear."

2. Awww this is going to be a movie about little kids falling in love and then finally getting together a thousand years later! Just Friends, anyone? I'm already pumped. Hello, Joyce?

3. Well this is an adorable semi-montage. I wish I had an adorable childhood that could be made into a montage... HAHAHA oh my gosh, prepare yourselves for the "Age 13" clip. When do this girl's awful bangs go away?

4. Aww, this girl is me! Way too much of a tomboy, likes to beat people up, secretly loves boys while pretending to hate them. Ah, memories.
Notable Quote:
"I'm the only person in this house honest enough to tell you that your thrift-store jacket smells like a gerbil cage."

"Whatcha doin' creepin' around a cow shed at five in the mornin'?? Doesn't seem very wiiiiiise to me!"

5. Does anybody else think these two dads are secretly gay for each other? Just me? I have a sixth sense about these kinds of things.

6. These kids talk like the kids on Dawson's Creek. Waaaayyy too over the top, yet lovable  And this man is so adorable. Oh momma!
Notable Quote:
"I can't believe I showed you my tractor."

He, like all Lifetime actors, looks vaguely familiar... One episode of Supernatural?

7. Semi-adults stuck at the adult table, wishing they were still at the kid's table. Story of my life! Ah, this movie is seriously making me so happy right now.

8. I often have serious conversations with people while drinking a beer, sitting fully-clothed in a bathtub. There's nothing weird about this, right?
Notable Quote:
"You look like a little golden retriever puppy waiting to get walked."

9. They have yet to explain how anybody knows this Christmas house lady. Is she just the friendly neighbor who always throws the best parties? Why does no one go to their own houses for Christmas? and WHAT is this drink she just made (Age 23/24)?? The green liquid looked more like glue! "Christmas Tree #2" is what she calls it.

Uh oh.. poor Christmas lady! Her life sounds tragic!

10. If you can't tell by now, I'm LOVING this movie. Best of the ones I've watched so far!! I'd really like to rearrange my life so that some of this can happen to me... Anybody have an adorable man friend lying around that I can fall madly in love with?

WARNING: There's a dance scene coming up. And it involves this song.

11. Have you guys ever stuffed two people into one jacket? I feel like I have.. but I don't remember it... Either way, it couldn't have been half as adorable as this two-people-one-jacket scene.

12. A KISS!!! A KISS!!! You guys, I've never been this excited for a kiss. Even ones I've been involved with. Wow, that's sad.

13. Are all Christmas movies set in Illinois? It seems like a lot of them are.. This makes me happy.

14. Oh man... time for an epic fight. This one is especially brutal. Prepare yourselves.

15. This movie has to end happily, right? It's like a Lifetime rule?

16. I'm going to throw up I'm so nervous. This shouldn't be a thing. I don't know these people. They're not real people!

17. Oh my gosh you guys, all is right with the world. I believe in Christmas magic, and love, and all that is good.


Recommendation Time!
HO HO HO or NO NO NO?

HO HO HO!! TO THE MAX!!

I loved this movie so much that I had a hard time not tearing up with excitement every couple minutes. Go watch this. Right now. Why are you still reading this? 

Christmas Movie Marathon: Undercover Christmas

Ok, I know I said that the next Christmas movie would be classier... but I haven't gotten it from Netflix yet. Instead, I've been recording movies off of Lifetime! Obviously this will be over the top ridiculous, but who are we to judge? Let's all sit back, relax, and enjoy a little Undercover Christmas.

1. Already I know that this movie is going to be sweet. The opening music starts off with a very traditional, indistinct tune with sleigh bells and then abruptly switches to something I imagine hearing in a strip club in the '80s.

2. And then there's this hair! Keep in mind, this was 2003. What did people in 2003 look like? Not like this?  This douche-nozzle is supposed to be a super rich investment banker or something. Yeah, I'd trust this guy with my money...

He's also making the greatest faces.

3. Hello Mr. FBI agent. I noticed you've been creepily staring at me all night.. Oh, your phone ringtone is "Jingle Bells"? I guess we can be friends. Now I need to run away with you for Christmas? This seems plausible.

4. Do you ever wonder how actors get roped into Lifetime movies? Some of these people have actually starred in decent shows and won awards and stuff. How did this happen to them? And who wrote this script? One lawyer just warned against talking to Spikey because he "might unconvince her from testifying." That's not even a word...
Notable Quote:
"Is it cold where we're going? I have very sensitive ears. The wind blows right through them!"

5. Hey Mr. FBI. I just Googled you because you looked familiar. So uh... when's the shirt coming off, boo?

6. Wow, his mom really hates Brandi. Maybe because her boobs are just alllllllllllll out? Understandable, but she's a bit snarky.. Maybe this is why I'm scared of other people's parents. Movies have made me terrified!! Heads up, this bedroom scene is the most awkward thing in the world. I had to hide under the covers.
Notable quote:
"Wake up! We have an emergency. Your brother has brought home a predator."

That's not at all over the top. Oh no.

7. I really love Brandi's nails! Hooray! I needed some new ideas lol. I can't find a good picture, but they're red with silver tips. I'm also loving the Christmas hair. I did this a few years ago! Now I miss it... Her outfit, however, looks like a slutty cavewoman.

8. This song has been stuck in my head for this entire movie. And it kinda fits with the movie... Maybe if I share it with you it'll go away. Or maybe they'll play it in the movie! If only..

9. I love that she's sticking up for him to his horrible family! How adorably skankalicious.

10. Why is there always a gust of wind indoors when someone reveals they gorgeous outfit they're wearing? She looks like she's caught in a hurricane!
Notable quote:
"Are you suggesting that I don't know how to raise my child?"
"No, you just don't know how to dress her!"

11. Oh my gosh, the screaming in this family is so intense! My family needs to step our fights up a notch. I need a manlier bellow.
Notable quote:
"We'll continue this charade for the family until the Christmas presents have been opened tomorrow and the Christmas dinner consumed."

Side note, why do movie families get soooooooo upset when you bring home someone you claim to be dating and then reveal you're not? Can't people just be friends any more? Who cares. Lawd!

12. How do movie moms always know when people are secretly in love with each other? Do real moms know that? I don't think my mom does... I sure don't. Maybe it doesn't happen until you actually give birth? I'm going to have to look into this a little more...

13. Exactly one hour, 16 minutes, and 37 seconds into this recording the brother-in-law makes the BEST face/noise after receiving a relaxation pillow.

14. Since when is being an FBI agent something to snub your nose at? I do not understand these people.

15. This hotel conversation is waaaaaaaay too intense for this situation. Calm it down now bubbies.

16. HA! This entire hearing this is ridiculous. I love it. The only thing this movie is missing is some shirtless man. Lifetime, you've let me down.

17. Not once did the main characters look ANYTHING like this cover picture. The don't even look like the same people... So weird.

18. Every single movie I've watched so far had the SAME plot with a twist. I really need to branch out a bit!

Recommendation Time!
HO HO HO or NO NO NO?

NO NO NO!

I really wouldn't waste my time with this movie if I were you. It's fine if there's nothing else on, but don't go out of your way for this stinker. The best part of the movie was the shrink getting his present. 

Christmas Movie Marathon: Christmas Cupid

I'm not going to lie, 30 seconds ago I searched "Christmas" on Netflix and this is what I'm going with. I really will look into some better movies, but I'm liking these horribly corny ones at the moment. Plus it's streaming on Netflix, so you really can't complain. I think the next one might be a little more classy.

1. Looks like the main character is a sassy bitch. Scracth that, two sassy bitches.

2. Every person in this movie so far is gorgeous and vaguely familiar.

3. Woah.. inappropriate touching in the workpalce! Wait... wait... inappropriate TONGUE-TOUCHING in the workplace!!!

4. When does the hot man in this banner show up? I guess Momma Sista-Sista will do for now.
Noteworthy Quote:
"You better be calling with some good news or else you'll be singing Christmas carols as a soprano."

5. This is how I dance when I'm on the phone. All the time.

6. HAHAHA oh my gosh I should really read what these movies are about before I watch them. Since it's in the 2 sentence blurb that I assume you've already read, this isn't a spoiler. Sassy blonde bitch dies and haunts sassy black bitch Scrooge-style.

7. Well hellooooooooooooooooooooo there Chad Michael Murray!! How do you only look better with age? Has it really been 11 years since you were bumping uglies with Jen and Joey down at the Creek? And how do you always know how much stubble is the PERFECT amount? Those scrubs really bring out the color of your... crotch.

8. Alright, sassy bitch has dated EVERY male in this movie. I should be more appalled  but I can blame her. Look at these bangin' bods! Girl's only got so much self control here!

9.  Rock-hard-bod #1 looks like an angel when he fake-sleeps.

10. I also like to prove that people can't see my by flashing my lady lumps! ABC Family, you sure know women. And families.
Noteworthy Quote:
"Oh Carl, your old, wrinkled hands would feel so good on my young, firm ..."

11. I think I need a trench-coat dress.

12. And a cheer squad to help narrate my life choices and ex-boyfriends. Brad is pretty adorable... And this football uniform..!
Noteworthy Quote:
"You put out! She put out!"

13. Have you ever wondered what it's like to act like you're super sad in a room full of other actors acting like idiots? I'll have to ask CMM.

14. Another shocker that I wasn't prepared for. The look on CMM's face portrays my feelings exactly. Bitches be crazy.
Noteworthy Quotes:
"I get to show you all the ways your bitchitude affects those around you."

15. Little reminder, this was made by ABC Family. And they're talking about stealing herpes medicine.
Noteworthy Quote:
"Hello can I buy some ointment to put out the fire in my underpants?'

16. During a lull in the plotline, I looked up blonde bitch. She was a Six Chick in 13 Going On 30! She's also in a popular tv show, but I don't watch that so it doesn't count.

17. Predictable ghost of future boyfriends. Snooze. Bring back the hottie!!

18. H - O - T! T - I - E!! We need hottie!!! I don't care about the rest of her life/friends. All of this making up seems REEEEEALLY easy. 30 second conversations mending decades of wounds. MMk. Looks like she's doing exactly what she planned on doing in the first place.

19. I love Ross Matthews. Too bad he wasn't around more!
Noteworthy Quote:
"Heaven has an open bar! And Heath Ledger. And James Dean."

Too soon, ABC Family. Too soon.

20. HOTTIE!!! I love his tattoo. What is it? I don't know. Nor do I care. I just want it near me.

Recommendation Time!
HO HO HO or NO NO NO?

HO NO HO!

Overall, this is a pretty decent corny movie. The gorgeous men make this worth watching. But probably never rewatching.


P.S. I just looked up 3 different "Best Christmas Movies" lists and all three of them listed Die Hard as the best Christmas movie of all time hahaha. I am so pumped.

Christmas Movie Marathon: Holiday Engagement

I'm going to attempt to write my thoughts on this movie as I go. Hopefully not a ton (I have a tendency to write waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much) and hopefully no spoilies. Maybe I'll keep it to 20 comments? Yeah, let's try that.

Here goes!

1. I am approximately 1 minute and 30 seconds into this movie and I already know it's going to be great. Super hyper girl, douchey-seeming fiance, overly loving/annoying mother with a hilarious accent, and Christmas music.
Notable Quotes already:
"What? Mexico?? Hillary, we have palm trees and sand here!" *jumps into douchemobile*

*nasal voice* "I need to know if that fiance of yours will eat yams. I've never met anyone who'd turn down my yam casserole!"

2. 3 minutes in - We've got the meet-cute. An adorably gorgeous man in a ridiculous outfit enters the picture. Obviously these two are meant for each other. I am satisfied. He also looks really familiar....

3. Senor Douche takes the little lady out to dinner, texts on his douche-phone, and tells her that her life's work is pointless and that she should spend her time planning dinners. Welp, I'm ready to ditch this loser already!
Notable Quote:
Girl: "Pittsburgh? What am I going to do in Pittsburgh?"
Douche: "Be my wife."

4. Woooooooooah, twist I didn't see coming! Hallmark, you've bested me! Not sure how to proceed with these bullet-points. No spoilies!

5. The mom is almost up there with the mom from Just Friends. I'm going to start practicing her accent. Oh, they just showed her face. She's Mrs. Brady!

6. I can't stop smiling at this man's face.
Notable Quotes:
"Do you have any clothes that aren't stained with coffee or shaped like a giant cell phone?"

7. She made him ruin his hair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. Something cute just happened song-wise. Keep an eye out for some piano-playing. And adorable storytelling.
Notable Quotes:
"There's Hillary! We'll do the... feet thing later."

9. Obligatory walk-in-on-a-man-naked scene. Thanks, movie-gods. Also, everyone in this movie sleeps naked. Prepare yourselves.

10. Oh good, the yams come back. *VOMIT*

11. Ok, so when families ruin the turkey on Thanksgiving they always go to some horrible restaurant. Does no one keep ANY other food at home? Like maybe some frozen steaks? Or chicken? Soup? I'm positive that you don't have to go out just because you ruin ONE part of the meal. What about the delicious sides??
Notable Quotes:
"I asked for selzer... This looks like tap water with.. cheese in it?"

12. Ok, this is horrible of me, but during a lull in the plotline, I found this picture of Mr. Hottie with what appears to be a lazy-eyed female companion.

Update: I think this is his sister.

13. I really hate when parents make the son-in-law call them Mom and Dad. He has his own parents! Stop that!

14. Family forcing the couple to kiss and them realizing that they're really in love. This is my favorite part of all chick flicks!

15. More piano playing and weird singing... I don't like it now. Oh my gosh it's getting worse. I'm near tears. HAHAHAHAHA oh my gosh it got so awkward that it got good again. Watch for the faces they make and their crazy singing mouths.

16. The jig is up! The news is out! Mr. Douche strikes again!

17. This girl is an idiot. AN IDIOT! Also, this mother sucks.

18. MOMENT OF REALIZATION. Thank goodness, because it's getting past my bed time.

19. Hmm Mr. Douche has more muscles than I realized. Well hello there.. Mr. Pecs.

20. No spoilies, but I'm sure you will be pleased with the ending. It's ridiculous, yet adorable. This is Hallmark after all! A super random dog shows up though... everyone acts like he's their best friend and has been there the whole time...

Recommendation Time!
HO HO HO or NO NO NO?

HO HO HO!

Enjoy!

Kicking off the Christmas Season!

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! I hung out at my parents' house and helped my mom pack stuff. Not a ton of fun, but my brother and sister were back from school, so it was nice. My brother looked (and smelled) like something you'd find in a frat house dumpster the morning after an all-night drink-n-pukeathon, but I made sure we sent him back to Colorado at least 75% better looking (and smelling). You're welcome, World.

I started my Christmas shopping a couple weeks ago (almost done!) which seemed like a good idea, but it's actually horrible. Since I have more time to browse I've ended up buying a TON of stuff. Mostly for myself. *sigh* I bought a bunch of really awesome polishes on Etsy, most of which are Christmas themed. I'll be trying them all out this holiday season, but I'm going to start off with the one I was most excited about and HAD to have. I was actually in Dallas for a training class on glycol dehyrdation when this went on sale. I'm sure I looked like an extreme weirdo huddled in the corner of the room refreshing the page on my phone until  I finally got it.

In keeping with my Christmas tradition last year, here's a little Christmas ditty for you to hum along with while you take a look at KB Shimmer Wrappers Delight.

"Sleigh Ride" - Andy Williams

[I've had this specific version of the song stuck in my head for at least a week now...]

I used a base of e.l.f. Dark Navy and just ONE COAT of Wrappers Delight. It's sooooo full of glitters!!

Christmas Movie Marathon
In other news, I'm going to be watching at least one NEW (as in I've never seen it before) Christmas movie every week until the big day. Tonight's flick is called Holiday Engagement and is available on Netflix instant streaming. No idea if this is good yet, but I will let you know! And if you have any suggestions, I'm all ears! I've seen most of the classics (I think?) and most of the newer ones (90s-present) but I'm sure I missed a lot in the 70s-80s range. I'll do a little research, too.

HO HO HO.

Snake Skin Nails

I bought a bunch of new polish in the past few weeks, and I've been trying to figure out how to use them all in clever ways. I've really been wanting to use this brown color.. even though I think it's slightly ugly... but still cool... Anyways, this is Orly Buried Alive from the Dark Shadows collection.

This color looks more like a combination of these two pictures. For some reason, I thought it had more of a green tint to it? 

I also recently bought OPI's Just Spotted the Lizard from The Amazing Spiderman collection. Every time I went to Ulta to buy it, they were out of this color, so I eventually just bought a 4-pack of tiny little ones. I stamped this color on, attempting to make it look like snake skin. This is actually a really cool color! See the blue and brown tints in it?? It does that on my nail, too!

Magic Mike comes out tomorrow!! Are you as pumped as I am? You should be. Since Independence Day is just around the corner, I'd like to show you a picture of some true American heroes in what is soon to be my new favorite movie.

Mood Color Changing Polish

When I was in middle school I had a thing for mood rings. They're super cool/trippy, plus they had hilarious color descriptions. Obviously they didn't work too well - I'm pretty sure I wasn't "feelin' sexy" in the middle of Algebra class - but that didn't matter.

A couple weeks ago I bought a set of Mia Secret MOOD polish on Amazon. I've been dying to try them out! Here's one that changes from purple (cold) to pink (warm).

This is two coats of the polish with no topcoat. It's sort of a matte. It was really weird to apply the purple polish and have it turn pink before you could finish. The ends are still purple since they're colder.

I applied a topcoat and then stuck my fingers in some warm water to show what they'd look like completely pink.

Then I stuck them into some cold water and dried them off a little. Apparently that warmed them up  too much, but I got a cool picture of the transition!

After another million attempts of dipping and drying, I just gave up and took a picture of my wet nails.

Just for the heck of it, I added an orange to yellow polish stamp on one nail. The polish is pretty thin, so it's hard to see...

Here's what my nails look like just chillin'.

 In other news, Magic Mike comes out soon!!! Here's a little preview -

*SIGH*